a note for first-timers

If it's your first time here and you're new to blogs, the first post you'll see is the most recent so that's where you should be ending, rather than starting. Otherwise, carry on...

Please, feel free to comment - you know you want to.

all the trimmings

Something just occurred to me about something I said in an earlier post. Guess who used surgical tape to wrap his presents again this year... yes, my dad. I laughed when I saw it and he pointed out that he has an awful lot of it lying around his place (he does) and that it was a shame to let it go to waste (it wouldn't have) so he used it for the presents.

Now, didn't I say I'd be on here for most of the evening? I'm doing well so far, aren't I? All I need now is for a certain someone to send me an email and that'll be the end of any ideas anyone might have about me going through that last box...

supposed to be on holiday

Not only is today a day off work, it's also a Bank Holiday. So why, might I ask, have I spent almost all of it sorting out my bedroom? The answer: a Christmas present.

My mum bought me a bookcase, which is actually more like a multi-purpose shelving unit - or at least that's what I'm using it for, for Christmas. And I chose today to put it together.

But that first meant clearing my room of all the shite I'd amassed. And I've really been hoarding a lot of old tat! There are seven black plastic bags in the hallway at the moment full of useless stuff, as well as a couple of boxes of old magazines - mostly New Scientist from when I was at school, but also a smattering of FHM and Loaded magazines from about six or seven years ago.

God knows why I still have them - they even came with me when I moved five years ago! At least I didn't take them up to University with me, I guess! I think I probably just threw everything I owned in boxes because it was all a bit of a rush-job and had to be done in the space of a weekend (I had lectures (to miss), don't forget). You try packing up for a move in a single weekend - I dare ya.

If God does know why, He hasn't let on about it and He's now missed His chance to convince me that they should stay because there's no way I'm finding space for that little (Ha!) lot.

I now have just one more box of things to work my way through but I thought I'd have a cup of tea and a quick peruse online before I finish the job off. I fully expect to be online for the rest of the evening now and not sort through the rest of it before the end of 2004... but at least I'll be able to come up with an excellent excuse as to why it's not quite done yet on the off-chance that anyone asks.

Oh, and the photo of the otter figurines that I was bought my parents is below. The one on the left is from my dad and the one on the right is from my mum. I've christened the left-most one Jack, and the middle one Sally. I haven't yet decided on a name for the right-hand one - it's a bit too tall for an Annie, but I guess I could be persuaded.

Oh, and Sally's not eyeing up the unnamed otter... it just looks like that in the photo.

beyond Beyond Good & Evil

Yes, I've finished it. Unfortunately it's one of those games that, when you've finished it, there's not much else to do with it. It was good though. I might try trading it or selling it on eBay or something. Or, if someone wants to make me an offer on here then feel free. Let's say £19.99 plus postage.

So what now? Well, I could probably do with some practice at Mario Kart following the debacle against my cousin - I came as low as sixth in one race, you know. Sixth! Perhaps I should cut my losses and sell that one too. Hmmmm...

On a much more positive note: I kept the kinda date I made a couple of days ago (check the comments) and spoke to S today. Yay! I've decided to make a New Year's Resolution too: don't be an eejit and make sure I'm spending next Christmas with her and Annie. If I do anything eejity between now and the 4th of April 2113 (the day the Grim Reaper's pencilled in to pay me a little visit) would you mind giving me a kick? Pass it on. Yes, that means to your children. And their children. And theirs too.

Right, I'm now off to set my alarm (it's actually my stereo) for far too early on the off-chance my vocal skills may be called upon...

Oh, and one final thing: Kerminotter is now kicking fwog-butt! He's won his last two races and four of his last five. Hurrah! I just hired him a sports car to celebrate. The trouble now, though, is that he's just moved up to a new age group so he'll be the baby of the pack. I expect a few lean days while he finds his flippers.

boxed-in day

Isn't it remarkable how little space is actually required in a parking space to get out? When pulled up to the kerb I mean, rather than in a carpark bay. This afternoon I had to drive my dad home and, when I went out to the car, I discovered that I had about eighteen inches in front of me and about six behind me (Get your minds out of the gutter this instant!). Don't ask me how but I managed to squeeze out of there without hitting anything. And it only took me five minutes of toing and froing.

[ Is it just me or does that look more like it should be pronounced "toyng and froyng"? ]

Oh, and I feel like I've done both my parents and injustice by simply mentioning the otter-related things they bought me. I actually got more than that from them. So, to give credit where it's due, here's a complete listing of the Christmas gifts I received:

From my mum:
Otter Figurine. I'll have to get a photo of this at some point but it's about ten inches tall - that's a real ten inches rather than your average man's "ten inches", if you see what I mean. It's very cute.
Bookcase. I've yet to put this up. That was supposed to be my job for today but... well... I didn't get round to it. I was too busy on the Gamecube.

From my dad:
Otter Figurines. Yes, there were two otters in the one piece. One's lying down and the other's on it's hind-legs, looking distinctly like a Meerkat. Actually, they both look really quite different to the otter my mum got me - I suspect her one is of a river otter and these ones are sea otters. Or something.
Leather Coat. This took me completely by surprise, not least because he can't afford to buy things like that for me. You know, it's a strange thing: I can take anything from a Medium to an Extra Large in clothes. The coat was an Extra Large and it's just about right - any smaller and it certainly wouldn't have fitted...

...but one of the gifts from my aunt, uncle and two cousins (including the one that tonked me at Monopoly... and also at Mario Kart later on) was:
A Liverpool Shirt. And it was a Medium. And it fits perfectly. For the first time ever I'll have the up-to-date kit offering for more than half of the season. I'm one of those people that supports from afar, I guess, so I've never gone out to buy the new shirt right at the start of the season. In fact, I'm twenty-six now and I've only ever had three Liverpool shirts, including this new one. Shite, aren't I?
The Simpsons Biscuits. I've not tried them yet but I shall certainly be breaking into the tin in the near future.

From my friend Adrian:
Troy. That's the DVD rather than the place, which is handy because I'm not sure I'd be too good at looking after a whole city just at the moment. I imagine it'd be like taking care of a really, really, really, really big dog that adores going for walks and has a tendancy to chew shoes, newspapers, sofas, fridges televisions, etc.

From my MD:
Champagne. Unopened so far. My dad brought some round for Christmas Day and insisted that we have that one because, he said, "It's really expensive." "It's French.", he added as if to prove it's authenticity and highlight its lavishness. That amused me.
Lindt Chocolate Truffles. Mmmmm... nice.

And I think that just about does it. If Santa gets home and realises he's still got something of mine in his sack - God, that sounds dodgy! Or is that just my filthy mind? - and swings by to drop it off anytime soon, I'll let you know. And if anyone sees Santa would you mind letting him know that there'll be no hard feelings if he has accidentally missed one. Thanks.

Monopoly Schmonopoly

I've decided that Monopoly is a game best played by other people. I was involved in a seven-way game of it today - instigated by me, under the mistaken belief that holding a degree in a scientific-esque subject would give me an "edge" - and my cousin (who's almost four years younger than me into the bargain) kicked all our arses. Mine moreso than the rest since I was the first one to be declared bankrupt.

Oh how the mighty fall from grace. Not that I was ever in grace. Or had grace. Or whatever the hell you'd do to/with/near grace. Not a girl called Grace, I hasten to add - let's not even think about what (the hell) you'd do to/with/near one of those. This is a religious festival after all. Besides, I'm innocent and don't even know what an innuendo is. The dictionary definition doesn't help either.

So: Monopoly. That's twice in a row I've been trounced at that game. It's actually probably ten times in a row but I've only played it twice in the last ten years or so (that I can remember anyway) and on both occasions I was battered. Not fair. I'm giving up and concentrating my efforts on something I might actually win at. Something like Snakes & Ladders - you can't be bad at Snakes & Ladders, can you? It's aaaaaall about luck. Actually, so is Monopoly.

[ Quickly hides and peers through the tall grass to watch the fireworks start after that last little throwaway comment. ]

It's almost not Christmas... damn. Ah well, it's still Christmas in other parts of the world... like in California, for example. Hmmmm...

it's Christmas time,and there's no need to be afraid

Yes, it's Christmas Day. Yes, I'm online. But: it's about half eleven and the family have now gone and I'm back to being bored. There's stuff to tidy up but I really can't be bothered just at the moment.

Imagine my surprise today when I got an otter figurine thing from my mother as one of her presents. I knew she knew about the whole baby otter thing but I certainly wasn't expecting to have otter ornaments. Note the plural there. A few hours later - when I'd been to pick my dad up for dinner - I opened one of the presents he'd bought me and found yet another otter figurine! And I really don't remember ever mentioning anything at all about otters to him.

See, you're all probably thinking I have an unhealthy interest in otters or something. Or that I'm a bit of a nerd who goes about taking photos of water-dwelling mammals. Or collects otter-related memorabilia. I'm really not. I've explained the reason for the Baby Otter thing to you all here and I hope that's proof-enough that I'm not an otter-loving freak. If, however, this is not your first visit to this blog I'm not sure the same can be said of you.

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas Day and Santa did his business under your trees last night, as it were. If I had a chimney, I suspect he'd have squeezed his rotund form down it to deliver me a porcelain otter. As it was, Santa didn't deliver me the present I really wanted - she's spending Christmas Day with, for some reason that's beyond me (not really but I'm making an effort to be dramatic here so let's just go with it), her family!

And now, before I go, a musical snippet from a film that bears a significance for me. So this is especially for the one I love (though the rest of you can "listen" along too):

[Jack] My dearest friend, if you don't mind I'd like to sit by your side Where we can gaze into the stars [Sally and Jack] And sit together, now and forever For it is plain as anyone can see We're simply meant to be

almost stuffed

I forgot to mention the "issues" we had with the turkey:

My mum, in her infinite wisdom (and allegedly acting on her sister's advice), decided that it would be a good idea to leave the turkey by the front door, thinking it would be cold enough for it to thaw it juuuuuuust fine. It turns out that the best place for it is not the front door after all. Of course, you and I knew this all along... but my mum, it seems, didn't. She does now.

So, last night I went out to get another turkey. "Get a frozen one." she said. "Fresh ones are too expensive" she added. Safeway: shut; Tesco #1: no frozen turkeys; Asda: no frozen turkeys; Tesco #2: closed and surrounded by police. Perhaps a couple of other last-minute-shoppers had found the last frozen turkey in the area, started arguing over who'd got there first, and the fight had spilled over into the fruit and veg - at which point the police were called. Nice thought.

Anyway, expensive or not (I don't actually think £18 is expensive but perhaps that's just me - I'm not a middle-aged woman after all), I bought a fresh one this morning. I decided that a fresh one bought last night wouldn't have been as fresh as one bought today. I was at Safeway at 7.05. Yes, that's five past seven. This morning. That's the best part of three hours before I should have needed to think about getting out of bed on a day when I have no work. Christmas, eh?

If you've never seen it before, go have a look at Get Fuzzy from yesterday and today.

"singing" and everything

Should I be worried, do you think, that I can hit all the same notes as Justin Hawkins (from The Darkness) when singing along to Permission To Land? I have a fairly deep voice when speaking normally, but it concerns one of my friends that I can hit those high notes. I wonder if he thinks I might try to chat him up. I wouldn't. He's not my type.

I had a bedtime story read to me at lunchtime today. Actually TWO bedtime stories. And I even got to see the pictures in the book and everything.

Let me digress for a moment. Isn't it strange how we add "and everything" onto the ends of sentences? And we always seem to place such emphasis on it. I mean, what message is it actually supposed to convey? That I saw the pictures in the book and then I saw everything else? Everything? Really? Jesus, that's a lot to see!

"He was upset - he'd lost his job and everything."
Well of course he was bloody-well upset! On top of losing his job, he's lost everything else as well. That's got to be a bit of a kick in the teeth!

"She told him where to go and everything."
Okay, so she told him where to go. Under normal circumstances that would mean that she didn't especially like him and didn't want him around her anymore. So why on Earth did she then proceed to tell him everything? That must have taken aaaaaaaages!

Right, end of digression. Let me regress. Is that the word? I'm not sure but I'll claim it is. If it's not, shush.

So, bedtime stories at lunchtime. It wasn't my bedtime but it was the bedtime-story-reader's bedtime. So she told me a couple of bedtime stories. How cool is that?! I'm going to see if I can make that a regular thing...

Also, I've wrapped everything all the presents I've bought for people. That's worrying me too: I'm sure such things should be left until the very last minute, by which time it's too late to go and buy some Sellotape when I discover I have none and have to resort to using either masking tape or electrical tape. A couple of years back my father used surgical tape. And it wasn't sticky - probably because there were no hairs to cling to and the tape knew it wouldn't hurt anyone when it got ripped off.

The Christmas spirit has, I think, taken hold.

no missing day

Ha! And you thought I was going to break my run of <some number or other> straight days of blog entries. More fool you, people!

I know this post is rubbish. I know there's not much point in it being here. I know I'm only writing this now so I can continue to claim that I haven't missed a day since I started. I know. But I don't care.

the otterpool illuminations

God, I hate putting lights up for Christmas. I just spent half an hour with this Christmas light net thing trying to work out how best to hang the damn... errr... thing. Eventually I settled on having the end from which the power cable and pattern-changer-control-clicker-thing emerges at the top, which means that the PCCCT is hanging half way down the window and I've had to run an extension lead to the window specifically for them!

I tried it the other way round (upside-down) and it just wasn't working - it looked shite - so I gave up on that as a bad idea and went, instead, for the "looks better but is annoyingly awkward" method. I do believe that's what Christmas is all about, actually.

I can't see me having anything even remotely interesting to write in here for a while but if the situation changes I shall let you know at once. In here. In fact, I won't let you know - you'll see it for yourself. It should be obvious if anything interesting happens because it'll stand out like Rudolph's nose against the bleakness and tedium of the rest of this blog. You can tell I'm filled with the festive spirit, can't you?

Oh... I got my card too. My bank card. No others though. Not today. Poor lonely little otter. *sniffle*

treelessnesslessness

Yes, that means I now have a tree. Hurrah!

I bought one last night on the way home from work. There was a proper Christmas shop in the Bentalls Centre in Kingston so I bought that and also popped into GAME to get myself a new Gamecube adventure. I bought Beyond Good and Evil (God knows but it says it was runner up for Best Adventure Game of 2003 on the back) and also a second controller so I can kick some buttocks on Mario Kart when my cousins are round for Christmas Day.

Sorry, H - I was supposed to post here last night, wasn't I? I apologise. I'm sure your morning's been ruined by not having anything interesting to read. Hmmmm... I guess I'm not really helping too much with this post either.

I tried calling my lady friend last night but she was unfortunately unavailable so I've been suffering from withdrawal symptoms since about midnight - and no amount of Coke seems to be helping. I've run out of Coke now actually. I may have to pop to the shops and get some more. The real stuff, not that Diet shite. But then, if it's not helping, what's the point? *sigh*

I had emails though. Yes, emails. From her. And from others. But from her too! Someone once pointed out to me that this habit I sometimes have of writing short little sentences is reminscent of Hemmingway. I don't know how true that is - because I've not read any Hemmingway - but if anyone has an opinion on that subject, let me know. Thanks. Much appreciated.

Right, time to get on the Gamecube and try out my new game. S - I didn't even go on it yesterday. Not at all. Oh, and I watched The Nightmare Before Christmas this morning when I eventually woke up.

Before I go, I have to make a confession:

The name of the main character in TNBC is actually Jack Skellington and not Jack O'Lantern as I had so adamantly maintained (and been backed up on by a seven-year-old) when S and I were discussing it. She was right. I was wrong. Is compensation due, do you think? And should the seven-year-old be kept back a year at school? All these questions and so little time to find answers and play on the Gamecube. I'll do the latter I think...

interesting conversation

H: "How big is it?"
...
H: "Oh, it's really big!"
...
BO: "You can have a feel of it if you like."
...
H: "It's hard!"

Doesn't that look dodgy?! Yes, it sounded dodgy at the time too - even though the ellipsis actually had further conversation in them.

We were talking about the present I'd bought for H's son for Christmas that was sat on the passenger seat of her car after I'd borrowed her keys this morning to put it there lest I forget and drive off home with it - you've got to do these things, I find, when they're fresh in your mind or you'll never do them!

It kinda spoils it when you discover the context, doesn't it? She'd asked if she could open it, at which point I informed her that she could try to determine the nature of the wrapped object by using her tactile sense, but not by opening it. I have to be careful with my words here because I've already put you in that frame of mind, you filthy people!

shopping

Well, that's some gifts sorted. Now I probably ought to do something about the Christmas Cards I've received and not yet reciprocated. It's so much easier when you don't actually have an address - at least then you can use that as your excuse - but when they actually put it on the card or envelope you're kinda struggling to find a reason not to send one in return, aren't you? Hmmmm...

Kerminotter kicked some fwog buttocks this morning. He came first. I looked at the results, actually, and he beat the frog that had won the last two races into second place. Hurrah for Kermi! I'm going to call him that from now on and claim it as my own invention. So there. Yes, he improved steadily from a drubbing in race one, finishing third, to a respectable second in race two and then a victory in race three. Now for the icing on the cake - a final win of the four race series. A chance would be a fine thing - I shall update you on the morrow.

In stark contrast, Runandhide had his worst ever finish - forth. He'd come second in every one of his races but this time was humbled by another couple of frogs. It may be because I've not done the whole V.I.P. thing with him and he's now getting jealous or something. Well, tough - he can like it or lump it. I'm already trying to sort him out with a date...

Isn't Amazon great? Yes, usually. But not when they can't guarantee delivery before Christmas. *sniffle* I just hope everything gets there in time. Even the express delivery thing I paid for didn't seem to want to commit to getting it there for the 24th. We can live in hope, eh?

Does anyone other than "Anonymous" leave me comments? I know this is only new... but I want attention. I crave attention. I neeeeeeeeeeed attention. I want attention for Christmas. In stockings at the end of my bed.

On that note, I shall bid you all (wishful thinking again) adieu... and go find somewhere to hide my shame.

oh come all ye faithful,joyful and not cardless

Guess who followed through on his promise from yesterday. I'm actually rather proud of myself, sad as that may be, for putting Barclays to task and getting them to abandon "Company Policy" - they kept quoting that at me - and re-activate my card.

I can now buy things for Christmas online! Right... Favourites > Shopping > Amazon...

I may be some time...

I forgot, I forgot

Even better news than the whole fwog thing is that I drove the twenty miles back home, got my cheque book, and returned to HMV to buy what I wanted to buy in the first place - a Christmas present for me.

I now have a Gamecube. Yay! It came with Mario Kart in the box but they were also doing a deal where if you bought that particular one (for £80, less a penny) you got Sonic Heroes for free. Bargain.

treelessness

Still no tree. Why is it that everywhere stops selling Christmas Trees and Christmas Decorations more than a week before Christmas? In fact, they didn't have any last week either... so that's almost two weeks before Christmas. *sigh*

Failure to get a tree was the least of my concerns today, however. I had a bad experience. A very bad experience. In HMV.

You know when you're in a shop and you see someone at the counter trying to buy something, only to find that their card is being rejected? And you know how you typically think, "I bet they've reached their credit limit!"? Well, I was the person at the counter today. The thing is, I hadn't reached my credit limit at all - it wasn't even a credit card. And there's money in my account.

It turns out that Barclays cancelled my card because they were sending me a new one. According to Barclays, they sent it on the eighteenth of November. Of course, they didn't tell me they were sending me a new card (it's apparently this chip and pin business) and they then didn't tell me that they were having trouble delivering it, nor did they tell me that the other one was being cancelled. No, I had to call them today (after the HMV incident) and find all that out for myself. <A whole array of profanities deleted>

Anyway, they said they'd send me a new one and it should be with me by Friday. It should be with me by Friday. Yes, that's Christmas Eve. I should be able to actually do some Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Isn't that nice of them?

I accepted that initially but I shall be calling at nine tomorrow morning and giving them an ultimatum. I have things to buy and those things can't wait until Friday - they won't then get to their destinations in time. I'm going to be an awkward customer for the first time (unassisted) in my life. I was talked through it about a month ago when Expedia screwed up... and this time it's Barclays' turn to squirm. Oh yes, they'll squirm. And I'll have a card to buy things with by the time I post here again tomorrow. Or the next day... or whenever they get me my card. No, it really will be tomorrow. Just you watch.

In better news:

Kerminotter came second in his race and Runandhide won his one. I elected to put the V.I.P. code in for Kerminotter though and now he's looking like a fwog on a mission. I even got to chat to him! How cool is that?

How can you possibly resist THIS?

addendum

I forgot - there was no Trocadero experience yesterday. The cab turned up right on time but the two ladies in the office took a further half hour to sort themselves out so we didn't get to Piccadilly until about twenty past or half past six or something - and they were determined to go to O'Callaghans (I think that's how you spell it) instead of the Sports Bar in The Trocadero. Eejits.

I may now have to wait until the next time I have American visitors to see that place again. Unless any further Accessorize-ing (see what I did there?) is required by a certain person...? That would be an ideal excuse...

the afternoon after the night before

Okay, so that's a bit of a misleading title. It implies that I spent the night drinking vast quantities of alcohol and making a complete fool of myself; that I'm gradually recovering from the hangover and that, more worryingly, I'm piecing together the events of the Christmas Party, cringing at every recollection.

Unfortunately, none of those things is true, though I'm prepared to stand corrected if anyone at Tiger Tiger last night remembers seeing me there (not that they'd know who I was even if they were one of the handful of people not close to revealing to the rest of us what they'd eaten throughout the day) and thought I was making a fool of myself. I don't think I was... but you can never be too sure.

I had a bottle and a half of Budweiser - pissy stuff when you've not had something already to kill all your tastebuds [ooooooh... a pun! Three cheers for me!] - a mouthful of Corona - even pissier - a quarter of a glass of ultra-pissy red wine with the meal, and most of a double Vodka and Redbull before I started on the water, disillusioned with the taste of alcohol.

Nevertheless, I danced my buttocks off and found myself gaining something of an audience, the more audacious members of which approached me to compliment me on my "thang-shaking". Or whatever us guys are supposed to do. You know, it's been said to me on countless occasions that only gay guys can dance. It seems I continue to prove that theory wrong. Unless they mean "gay" in the sense of "happy" rather than homosexual. No, I don't think they mean "happy". I don't think the plucked eyebrows and bleached-blonde hair (thanks S) help my case though...

I've still not got a Christmas Tree. Tomorrow I shall be mostly driving around to every shop that looks like it might possibly have a tree - either for sale or being watched by sufficiently few, or inept, people that I can simply shove it in the boot and speed off with it, power cable from the lights trailing along the road behind me. I don't want a real one really - they get bits everywhere. And unlike the "with bits" tag that they give some types of orange juice these days, these are not the sort of bits you really want.

My fwogs had bad experiences: Kerminotter trailed in third in his race so I bought him a scooter to cheer him up a bit - I still can't afford the car hire; Runandhide (the younger one) had a pike incident and narrowly avoided being devoured. Bless him, he still managed a second spot in that race, and also the one this morning. I bought him a home gym.

I still need to suss out the whole feeding thing, though - it seems like dumb luck at the moment. Hmmmm...

party time

God, what a boring and unproductive day! I've spent the whole time discussing the meaning of life with someone via email. "Life", she says, "is meaningless."

Yes, it's really been one of those days.

Actually, it's been quite an interesting discussion but I've done hardly any real work and I probably should have done. I've been telling myself that I ironed my shirt last night (I must tell you about that actually) and I'm far too well-dressed to do anything worthwhile. Do you think I'll get away with that one if my boss asks? He's not in, though, so he might not fully appreciate the quality of these threads and complain that things aren't done. Ah, sod him!

So, the ironing.

I started off with this cool blue shirt and had ironed the back, not really paying too much attention to it and thinking that the little darker spots were just there as a result of the steam from the iron... but then I saw the same on the rest of the shirt, which I'd not gone near with the iron. I think it must have been something in the soap powder. That's the last time I buy Persil! Grrrr!

Anyway, I'm now wearing a pale creamy coloured shirt with a sort of criss-cross thing going on. It looks almost like tartan turned through forty-five degrees... only better. I think. Ish.

Roll on four thirty! Yes, four thirty. At least we've got a cab booked instead of having to trapse off to the train station. That's why I compromised on my position from yesterday. Besides, the Trocadero will still be there... I hope.

bored

Right, I'm really bored now. My fancy-woman seems to have disappeared and hasn't replied to an email for aaaaaaaaaages. My fwogs aren't up to much - they're just sitting there looking pretty and I've sweet f.a. to do. Apart from sort my clothes out for tomorrow's Christmas Party. But I'm a guy and we don't do things like that - we just wear them a-la "clothes horse".

Actually, I learnt something a few weeks ago - put badly creased clothes in the tumble drier for a wee while (that means about half an hour) wrapped in a damp towel and the creases largely disappear. Genius! I owe someone a GTVL for that methinks.

Hmmmm... I probably should iron the shirt though. Didn't I tell you already how much of a procrastinator I am? An example, in case you still don't believe me on that one: I bought three Christmas Cards today. One each for the parents unfortunate enough to have me as their only offspring, and one for someone else. Shush. And I've bought no presents at all. I need inspiration for that too. Hurry!

Right... ironing.

the way of the fwog

Kerminotter, my frog, had his first ever win in the early hours of this morning (he's now come third, second and first - in that order - in his first three races) and told me that he thought I was the most brilliant friend he's ever had. Considering he's down as being twelve days old (it's actually only really four but they triple it for some reason), that's not really saying much... but it was a sweet sentiment anyway.

[ Yes, I really do believe there's a real-life frog that I'm training, feeding and buying stuff for and that he's racing for me. He has spikey red hair, incidentally. And a full beard. When was the last time you saw a frog like that, eh? ]

I'm supposed to be working and I'm also on a half-day today. I'd best get to it really... soon.

We have our Christmas Party tomorrow at Tiger Tiger in Haymarket (the aminal - I spelt that right before anyone has any ideas about correcting me - theme just rolls on doesn't it?) and the MD was going on about us leaving the office at about half five to get there for seven. Kyeah right! Like we're going to hang around until half five on the day of the Christmas Party! Again. I'm leaving at about four whether anyone else does or not - I'll waste all my money on the 2p "push the coins off the shelves and eventually work a trinket towards the drop-off zone" machine in the Trocadero whilst I wait for the rest of them if need be. It should only cost me a fiver or so to win another keyring. Oooooh... a Secret Santa idea right there!

I'd best get going... and do an hour or so of work before I leave for the day. Emails first though...

a day of no particular note

Right, would you believe it that straight away I've chosen the wrong template thingamy. Oh, there's a tab up there that says "Template". I shall investigate and get back to you shortly.

Hmmmm... it says that I have unsaved changes. I may come back to it and sort it out at some point but, if I do my usual trick of simply not doing any tricks at all then you'll just have to make do I'm afraid.

Hang on, did you come here expecting some narration from David Attenborough about the diet, habitat and general activities of an otter? Oh... you did? Sorry, I didn't mean to mislead anyone - it just so happens to be a self-given nickname. Weird, huh?

I've given various accounts to various people about the origins of the whole (weird) otter thing but this, right here, is the definitive one. So if anyone ever asks you (when I'm infamous) how it came to be you'll be in the know. Assuming you read the rest of this, of course...

I used to use Yahoo! Chat when I was younger. It started at University on those lonely nights in the computing labs when I was supposed to be working but couldn't be bothered because there was still a whole week before whatever piece of coursework I was "working on" had to be handed in. I had a computer in my room on campus but there was no internet access from there so I couldn't possibly be expected to just sit there and work without the internet as a distraction. Besides, I had Championship Manager 97/98 loaded on there and that was just about the only program it was capable of running for more than ten minutes at a time.

So, there I was doing my best to procrastinate - I'm still exceptional at this so if you have any questions or need any advice on how to not do some work and how to then explain away why you haven't done it then ask away - but I was getting bored. The BBC website had already been perused far too much that evening and I certainly wasn't going to risk a visit to FHM or some such *ahem* male-oriented site - not that they've ever held a particular interest to me, I hasten to add. I decided that the email address I had at the time (only my University one) just wasn't enough and I needed a new one.

For some reason I had this impression that Yahoo! was better than Hotmail so I went to Yahoo!'s website and signed up to get an account there and then. Jesus, this is a long-winded way of telling you the story - and this isn't even the story yet! Okay, so I signed up for this account and, being the juvenile chappy that I was back then (that's seven years ago now... shite!), I plumped for forename_surnameinitial_xxl. You're not getting my name out of me that easily! The "xxl" part, of course, was intended to refer to the size of t-shirt that I... errr... found too baggy. Yes. It was. Believe me. Look at this face - is this the face of someone that would lie to you about something like that? Trust me - it's not that sort of face. Trust me again - it's lucky for you you didn't just have to look at it.

Right, so we've now got something_xxl in the equation here. And here's where it gets reeeeeeally rubbish; here's where the story is:

I almost immediately went into one of the chat rooms and got chatting to random people from all over the place (one from Minnesota who had a love of Prince, I seem to recall - she actually advised me to go and buy a copy of Emancipation, which I duly did and still love to this day... so thanks for that <name forgotten>). I didn't chat all that often really - just when I was had to be in the computing labs to do some work (I rarely did any work in the first three and a half years) in the first year, or when I was bored senseless after that. How do you get bored senseless at University when you avoid work from your course at all costs but work your arse off in the Students' Union to pay for being there and, as a consequence, get free food, drinks and entry most of the time? It's not easy, which is why I was rarely online.

Then I left University and started work... and all of a sudden I was back in that realm of "sheer boredom". I'm kinda there at the moment actually - you didn't think I'd be writing this if I actually had stuff to do, did you? So I went back online. That was about three and a half years ago. I used to chat on Yahoo! during the day when I was supposed to be working. I'd get all the work done, don't get me wrong, but I'd chat away all day almost every day.

After a while of being in these chat rooms I'd gained myself a group of online "friends". I actually met up with a group of them at one point - one of my friends at the moment is a guy that was part of that group of people that met up through Yahoo! and just happened to be foolish enough to suggest that he and I go out on "the pull" one night when we'd both been having a hard time of it. Looking back, I was feeling pretty shitty around then but nothing like as shitty as I've felt in the last couple of weeks... except this time I brought it all on myself, eejit that I am.

Anyway, we get to about two and a half years ago and I've got my online friends and I notice that anyone new that appears in one of these chat rooms seems to be being ignored by the rest of the people I chat to. They were positively rude to them so I decided I'd see what they'd be like to me if I created a new profile and went in as some random they didn't know. Naturally I had to change my writing style to be believable and I even went so far as to utilise the likes of "lol", "pmsl", etc. I hate those, by the way... so don't go leaving any comments (if that's possible on this thing - I've seen it on others) with "lol" in them or I shall hunt you down and force you to sit there whilst I tell you off!

So, this new profile. It had to be something very different to the whole "xxl" thing. Remember that? That was about an hour ago you read that probably. Yes: "xxl". We didn't want any of that. So, I thought about it and came to the conclusion that I should go for something completely the opposite. As in, "hung_like_a_mouse". Unfortunately that was already taken. I've always liked to believe that that username was taken by a lady who then proceeded to give the account to an ex-boyfriend as a little parting gift. If anyone knows, let me know. Unless it's not true - keep that to yourself.

After a few variations on that theme involving small and furry animals I came up with "hung_like_an_otter" but I then realised I knew nothing about otters - for all I knew otters could have genitalia comparable in size (not proportion) to that of a horse (for the gullible ladies among you, this is certainly the case!) - so I further refined it to "hung_like_a_baby_otter". No-one would ever know it was me. Not with a name like that!

I went into the chat rooms and did my thang; worked my mojo; chatted to people. Shit, they all chatted to me too. It was a complete disaster because none of something_xxl's friends were rude to my new profile. What a waste of time and effort that was then. And, what's more, they all called me either "otter" or, reminiscent of the whole "xxl" thing, "hung".

So there you have it. Not very exciting or interesting was it? If you're one of the people I told a different story to then I apologise - I either wasn't feeling particularly conversational or I thought you'd ridicule me to such an extent that I would simply leap in front of the first vehicle that came speeding along the road and hope to God that it wasn't a bicycle or one of those little motorised buggy things that the old and disabled go about in. How does that work, actually? They go along the road and yet they're allowed to take them into supermarkets and that. They won't let me drive my Civic in through the doors at Tescos and load it straight up from there. One rule for one and another for the rest of us, eh?